Going Home Can Stir Something Deep Inside...
We all know that old adage "you can never go home again", I have always found this to be half true..because home for me has always been more than a location it's a feeling, perhaps because I have lived a lot of places and called a lot of places home over the years. No matter where I have lived or traveled the East Coast has always felt like home to me and with that a sense of confidence and freedom that I struggled to find elsewhere. Since I haven't been home in over 2 years I had honestly forgotten that confident, happy, loving woman that I am underneath this worn out, tired, hypersensitive mess of a woman that has taken over. How did this happen I asked and the honest answer is I let it happened. So slowly that I didn't realize it, but now I do I will be making some changes....well a lot of changes to my life out here in LA.
After Coachella I thought I had it together. But now I see it was a little reminder..."wake up in there!!, we've got some fun shit to do and some ass to kick" and for a little while I felt like how Stella must have felt when she got her "groove" back....long hair don't care jam.
Then slowly again I let work, friends and family drama creep back taking over without once checking myself..."Hello in there ...WTF are you doing? This is the opposite of what you promised yourself" But, I couldn't stop myself...because like most habits it takes time to set in and for me giving my attention and engery to the most draining of things is like breathing....and without my family being around me to support me and remind me to think about myself it's easy to keep doing the same thing.
Finally, I felt at my breaking point with everything and everyone and for once I said enough. No ones going to tell you need a break or to stop...you never needed anyone to tell you that before. That little voice inside me was right. When I went home that in August I booked my flight home to the East Coast and started counting down until I left. The last week were kind of a blur...Ijust kept counting down the days.."six more days, four more days, one more day" until it was the DAY! And I was homeward bound.
Looking down from the main cabin I felt relief I had made it and come hell or high water I would be home soon.
Flying over Connecticut I was struck by how green, lush and peaceful everything looked. I was already excited to come home, but now I was excited to relax and enjoy some much needed time off. To recharge, refocus and think!
After getting home and unpacking I sat on my front porch looking at the stars enjoying the cool night breeze that you can only get in CT on a perfect August night...I heard my moms coming up the stairs in her slightly to big pair of slippers....humming Otis Redding that she just turned up so I could hear it outside. Magic! I fell asleep that night as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was home and felt safe.
Waking up Thursday morning in my house was amazing...sunny and filled with positive energy! Just laying in bed, no plan, no place to go made me feel calmer...I mean at first their was a slight panick but then after reminding myself..."hey you're on vacation" I started to relax and spent the rest of the day reading a sleeping...because I could.
The next day...rested and ready to go into the city I took MetroNorth from New Haven....
Bought my ticket and took my seat on the train...no stress just taking in the view from the train heading into the city...My City....NYC!
Grand Central Station has always been one of my favorite places to come to in NYC...it's beautiful and even with all of the people passing through there's a peacefulness to the pace.
First things first getting pampered with one of my best friends in the greatest city....
Valisha and I love to get a little self-care and of course spending time together...so we combined both for a day a Bliss Spa in Soho--the original location--a must if you are in NYC.
We both got the 75 Bliss message...perfect! Then we spent the some time in the very private lounge catch up and eating snacks....
Catching up with Valisha is always a treat....she's one of my oldest friends....we are family at this point knowing our history, we speak in short hand almost like our language and with that I feel safe and comforted. I know that Valisha would never judge me...as I would never judge her our guards are never up with each other because we are each other's "safe spaces"...."I am not here to make you feel worse than you probably already do...I am here to listen" that's us. I miss having that kind of space, but like most treasures they are hard to find.
After getting all Blissed out we head out to lunch...we stop by one of our old favorite Cafe Gitane in Soho. Valisha has also had a lot of changes happen this year and the most important one is she got married to Marcel...I have to share her now...just kidding...kinda.
After lunch I think it's time to split up and enjoy some alone time in My City...hugs and kisses Valisha....see you in Williamsburg this weekend and I am off.... Just wandering around the city My City I fall in love all over again and start to think about what would it be like to live here again? Really? Do I want to live in NYC? Or do I not want to live in LA anymore? That's the real question...what's making me so mad and out of sorts in LA? The other real question. I think I will have to think about that a little more. Is it the city or me? I am on a roll with these questions lol.
I will be doing a lot of thinking about all of these questions now that I am back in LA...what do I need to do, to have to be okay with being in LA? And again is it me that has changed that I have out grown being LA? Stay tuned.